Expectations

It has been longer than I wanted it to be since my last post. Part of the reason is because I wanted to post some pictures and they take forever to load as well as having to be uploaded from my desktop and I haven't really been in the craft room this week. I haven't felt well(but think I am finally almost better). That on top of my normal busy life and I just didn't get back here. One thing I need to work on is letting go of my expectations of myself. There is no one here waiting for me to post. There are only two people besides myself who even know this place exists. I end up paralyzing myself with expectations. I have a hard time making decisions because I am afraid that whoever the gift is for won't like it or would have liked something better. But I have just as hard of a time even if it's for me. I don't start things that I want to do because of fear. It's completely stupid. I am afraid...I want so many things but i am afraid.

I want to lose weight. I want to lose ALOT of weight and I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as I always have (but I have never really committed 100%). I am afraid of succeeding because the only me I know is this one. More than 10 years I have been this girl. The fat girl. And beyond that I struggled with it. Even when it wasn't a problem you could see I struggled with it. It has always been there for me.

I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I look when I see myself outside my home. I want out of this body and at the same time I am afraid that I have ruined my body, my skin and that makes me sad. Will I ever look ok? Will I ever not hate myself?

I want to finish school. I want to not just finish I want to be challenged. I want to figure out what it is that will challenge me like I used to be challenged. I feel guilty fOr that and I am not really sure why. Pharmacology is what keeps coming into my head when I think of what I want to do. CU has a pharmacology school but I work full time. My credits are all going to start expiring. I has a baby at home who needs me. I am already exhausted from my life. I have a good job making good money that I cannot leave. We don't have the money and student loans scare me. I LOVE what I do to the core of my soul. But I feel like....I feel like I could do more. Be more.

I want to start a business. I want to make things and make some money for it. But I struggle with time, and capital, and record keeping. Then there are the ideas that are not always plentiful. But creating is necessary for my survival as a happy productive person.

My goals for this week (my week starts Sunday since that is my "Monday")

-work out at least 3 times
-salads every night at work for dinner (Sunday-Wednesday)
-complete at least 1 scrapbook page
-complete and send Christmas thank you cards
-work on February birthday cards for work
-tale piece of crap Kindle cover back to Best Buy
-make at least 1 thing just because I want to no expectations

~~~I promise the next post won't be so "heavy" and will include at least 1 photo and a much lighter subject matter. In my defense I warned you in the very beginning :0)