Today...

So, my blog isn't very visual. I will have to work on that.

Today I am trying not to beat myself up too much for not working out. I am so tired, which I know would be helped with regular exercise but it's so hard to find motivation when you feel exhausted. But that being said I have set a goal for 3x this week and I intend to keep the goal. Working up to at least walking everyday. I am also involved in a battle with sugar. I want to cut out the refined stuff as much as I can as far as everyday use. This is hard as well but I think that these 2 things together will help me feel much better on a daily basis.

Today I thought I would remind myself what I love instead of everything that wears on me:

I love to hear my daughter laugh.
I love when I know I helped someone who called me for help, truly helped them.
I love dreaming about my scrap space we are working on in the basement.
I love Christmas and all the things the season brings with it.
My favorite days are the ones where Graecyn and I do our own thing together.
I love pens, markers, crayons...
My car makes me happy.
I love that I have someone to watch Graecyn when I need that I trust and like as a person.
I love the process of making my Christmas cards, even when I have trouble developing the design.
I love green bean casserole.
I love shopping the day after thanksgiving, even if I have to go by myself most of the time.
I love jeans and wish I could wear them to work. It would make my life so much easier.
I love plain Chapstick in the blue tube.
I love my iPhone 4


These are by no means all of the things I love but they are a random sampling of them and a reminder to myself that even when life seems to be against us there are plenty of everyday things that can bring a touch of happiness.

Right now, in no particular order

I am lonely.
I am sad.
I feel invisible.
I don't think I matter like I wish I did.
My greatest goal is to be a good mother.
I waste so much time.
I have regrets.
I feel like, right now, there is something missing.
I have always been a little sad and never sure how to explain.
People don't really want an answer when they ask how you are...
I stopped answering.
No one noticed.
I am torn.
I am FRUSTRATED.
I feel lost.
I hate when a good movie ends.
I hate it even more when it's a good book.
I am drawn to music.
I need to create, it feeds my soul.
I haven't created in a while.
I love my job.
I hate that I have to work.
I really wish I had test drove the subaru outback.
I have very few real friends.
Very few.
I need to learn to say no.
I feel like I am always being judged.
I hate food.
I eat too much.
I don't recognize who I see in the mirror.
I need to love me.
I don't.
I am having a hard time right now.
I have a horrible time making decisions.
I wish I didn't let other people hurt me so much.
I am silent.
Silence can be crushing.
I worry.
I thought I would be in a different place by this time in my life.
I feel like I failed, let myself down.
I LOVE the new show Prime Suspect.
And Parenthood.
And Sonic cranberry iced tea.
And polar bears.

I am trying to go to sleep and hope this brain dump helps with that. I have to start teaching tomorrow at work and my whole day is moved up 4 hours and my body doesn't understand. I am struggling right now. That being said I know that everything will work out. And some of these things are long deep issues that I am trying to be aware of and work through. And really i am just having a crappy night :0). It will be better in the morning.

Now

-I am watching "The Brave One"
-I am glad that we went to the Denver Childrens Museum this morning even though we had to leave when it got too crowded for my husband
-I am nervous about the coming week
-I have to leave Graecyn with a babysitter outside the "family" for the first time. It's making me a little sick
-I am excited about the training I am attending for work and nervous at the same time
-I am trying to embrace the weight watchers program I rejoined last week.
-I need to take care of me
-I am trying not to be overcome by my fear of not meeting my own expectations
-I am hoping to get some card making done tonight after I get organized for tomorrow
-I am in great need of an uninterrupted laundry day
-I want to buy my daughter the Pottery Barn pink retro kitchen but will mostly settle for a look alike by another maker
-I am feeling frustrated by my job and some of the politics that come with it. But the love is still there
-I want a jogging stroller without a flat tire
-I am starting to feel the NEED more and more to use my body
-I hoping to lose 50 pounds by December
-I want to be able to shop at the GAP for an outfit for family pictures

Expectations

It has been longer than I wanted it to be since my last post. Part of the reason is because I wanted to post some pictures and they take forever to load as well as having to be uploaded from my desktop and I haven't really been in the craft room this week. I haven't felt well(but think I am finally almost better). That on top of my normal busy life and I just didn't get back here. One thing I need to work on is letting go of my expectations of myself. There is no one here waiting for me to post. There are only two people besides myself who even know this place exists. I end up paralyzing myself with expectations. I have a hard time making decisions because I am afraid that whoever the gift is for won't like it or would have liked something better. But I have just as hard of a time even if it's for me. I don't start things that I want to do because of fear. It's completely stupid. I am afraid...I want so many things but i am afraid.

I want to lose weight. I want to lose ALOT of weight and I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as I always have (but I have never really committed 100%). I am afraid of succeeding because the only me I know is this one. More than 10 years I have been this girl. The fat girl. And beyond that I struggled with it. Even when it wasn't a problem you could see I struggled with it. It has always been there for me.

I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I look when I see myself outside my home. I want out of this body and at the same time I am afraid that I have ruined my body, my skin and that makes me sad. Will I ever look ok? Will I ever not hate myself?

I want to finish school. I want to not just finish I want to be challenged. I want to figure out what it is that will challenge me like I used to be challenged. I feel guilty fOr that and I am not really sure why. Pharmacology is what keeps coming into my head when I think of what I want to do. CU has a pharmacology school but I work full time. My credits are all going to start expiring. I has a baby at home who needs me. I am already exhausted from my life. I have a good job making good money that I cannot leave. We don't have the money and student loans scare me. I LOVE what I do to the core of my soul. But I feel like....I feel like I could do more. Be more.

I want to start a business. I want to make things and make some money for it. But I struggle with time, and capital, and record keeping. Then there are the ideas that are not always plentiful. But creating is necessary for my survival as a happy productive person.

My goals for this week (my week starts Sunday since that is my "Monday")

-work out at least 3 times
-salads every night at work for dinner (Sunday-Wednesday)
-complete at least 1 scrapbook page
-complete and send Christmas thank you cards
-work on February birthday cards for work
-tale piece of crap Kindle cover back to Best Buy
-make at least 1 thing just because I want to no expectations

~~~I promise the next post won't be so "heavy" and will include at least 1 photo and a much lighter subject matter. In my defense I warned you in the very beginning :0)

Honor

Today Graecyn and I are going to a funeral reception for the mother of a very good friend of mine. Betty Ann Buck passed away from cancer January 5th with her loving family at her side. She was a strong, sassy personality. She will be missed greatly.

beginnings

For those of you that come across this blog in the next month or so please know that this is a work in progress.  Tonight my goal was to actually get the "bones" of a blog put together and then as I have more time (yeah right!) I will hopefully customize it and make it pretty.  I am still learning and really have no idea what I am doing.  This is evident in the fact that this is the 2nd time I have written this post.  I was trying to add a picture and couldn't make it do what I wanted and ended up deleting the whole thing.

This blog for me is the realization of a thought I have had for a while.  A thought that has been kind of nagging at me for a while.  I hope this becomes a place for me to better keep up with family far away, a place to document my creative endeavors, a place to document life as it happens and a place for me to be me.

Here's to thoughts and the COURAGE to make them real.

I am taking the One Little Word  class by Ali Edwards with Big Picture Scrapbooking and this is my cover page.

This is the assignment for January.  A self-portrait and cards in a divided page protector.  5 of the cards had a specific purpose and then the other 4 were left up to us.  It is still a  work in progress (I guess that is a theme with me right now) but it is coming together and I feel it will be done soon.