Expectations

It has been longer than I wanted it to be since my last post. Part of the reason is because I wanted to post some pictures and they take forever to load as well as having to be uploaded from my desktop and I haven't really been in the craft room this week. I haven't felt well(but think I am finally almost better). That on top of my normal busy life and I just didn't get back here. One thing I need to work on is letting go of my expectations of myself. There is no one here waiting for me to post. There are only two people besides myself who even know this place exists. I end up paralyzing myself with expectations. I have a hard time making decisions because I am afraid that whoever the gift is for won't like it or would have liked something better. But I have just as hard of a time even if it's for me. I don't start things that I want to do because of fear. It's completely stupid. I am afraid...I want so many things but i am afraid.

I want to lose weight. I want to lose ALOT of weight and I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as I always have (but I have never really committed 100%). I am afraid of succeeding because the only me I know is this one. More than 10 years I have been this girl. The fat girl. And beyond that I struggled with it. Even when it wasn't a problem you could see I struggled with it. It has always been there for me.

I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I look when I see myself outside my home. I want out of this body and at the same time I am afraid that I have ruined my body, my skin and that makes me sad. Will I ever look ok? Will I ever not hate myself?

I want to finish school. I want to not just finish I want to be challenged. I want to figure out what it is that will challenge me like I used to be challenged. I feel guilty fOr that and I am not really sure why. Pharmacology is what keeps coming into my head when I think of what I want to do. CU has a pharmacology school but I work full time. My credits are all going to start expiring. I has a baby at home who needs me. I am already exhausted from my life. I have a good job making good money that I cannot leave. We don't have the money and student loans scare me. I LOVE what I do to the core of my soul. But I feel like....I feel like I could do more. Be more.

I want to start a business. I want to make things and make some money for it. But I struggle with time, and capital, and record keeping. Then there are the ideas that are not always plentiful. But creating is necessary for my survival as a happy productive person.

My goals for this week (my week starts Sunday since that is my "Monday")

-work out at least 3 times
-salads every night at work for dinner (Sunday-Wednesday)
-complete at least 1 scrapbook page
-complete and send Christmas thank you cards
-work on February birthday cards for work
-tale piece of crap Kindle cover back to Best Buy
-make at least 1 thing just because I want to no expectations

~~~I promise the next post won't be so "heavy" and will include at least 1 photo and a much lighter subject matter. In my defense I warned you in the very beginning :0)

Honor

Today Graecyn and I are going to a funeral reception for the mother of a very good friend of mine. Betty Ann Buck passed away from cancer January 5th with her loving family at her side. She was a strong, sassy personality. She will be missed greatly.

beginnings

For those of you that come across this blog in the next month or so please know that this is a work in progress.  Tonight my goal was to actually get the "bones" of a blog put together and then as I have more time (yeah right!) I will hopefully customize it and make it pretty.  I am still learning and really have no idea what I am doing.  This is evident in the fact that this is the 2nd time I have written this post.  I was trying to add a picture and couldn't make it do what I wanted and ended up deleting the whole thing.

This blog for me is the realization of a thought I have had for a while.  A thought that has been kind of nagging at me for a while.  I hope this becomes a place for me to better keep up with family far away, a place to document my creative endeavors, a place to document life as it happens and a place for me to be me.

Here's to thoughts and the COURAGE to make them real.

I am taking the One Little Word  class by Ali Edwards with Big Picture Scrapbooking and this is my cover page.

This is the assignment for January.  A self-portrait and cards in a divided page protector.  5 of the cards had a specific purpose and then the other 4 were left up to us.  It is still a  work in progress (I guess that is a theme with me right now) but it is coming together and I feel it will be done soon.